Amongst the darkest and most annoying phases, this maybe a cynical post but I deserve one. Everyone does. I pass phases just like every other person, except that I realize and think about it too much. Memory is a bi- emotion; it helps you at one time and gives you a headache the other time.
Here are my entries in the diary I would love to lose.
(1)Not doing the best of ability: Cliché? But it is true. I often wonder what makes one passionate and other, not. There were things that were planned and laid ahead with so much careful calculations but in implementation, everything was lost. Academics, relationships and even, capitalizing on the strengths. I was methodical and never learnt to break free. I am sure nothing is lost but I wish I had tried more and better rather than letting everything take over me. This regret, I am still working on.
(2)Not loving my family as much as I should have: This is very true. I have never let them know how important they are. I never wanted to be known as an emotional individual and chose to be independent. Now, let us not imagine a girl with no love or affection. It is just a feeling that I should have carried out more than what I have ever done.
(3)Letting things go at the end: I have not been very persistent about many things. Too much thinking and too little confidence. It would be nice if I had a bowl of optimism that I could drink from every day. Little things did annoy and little things did exhilarate me. I wish I worked till the end without any confusion and with more clarity.
(3)Letting people hurt me: It is entirely my fault that I chose to go around wrong people and ended up getting hurt. I hate being naïve and thought of being so either. If given the super powers, I would love to dwindle all the time I wasted on those people. If given the chance and guts, I would love to hurt them back. I am not being cruel. What goes round comes back.
(4)Not learning to sing: Music has never amazed me and I, till date have not been able to find out why. It doesn’t make me lose myself nor does it bring any happiness. Music, to me is just another sound; pleasant and not pleasant. But, I love the words that are strung together with the music. Because of this one sole reason, I wish I had learnt to sing.
(5)Not calling my friends: This is a common complaint that I don’t call anyone without a reason. I am sorry. It is laziness that encapsulates my consideration. I promise to call.
(6)Not capitalizing my strength and leaving the weakness: I did exactly the opposite and ended up putting the eggs in too many baskets. Though, it is not my regret, I hope to be more careful in future.
(7)Not saving enough money: Guess this is self explanatory.
(8)Not eating less: Apparently being a part of the fair gender, there are some traits that need to be prominent. To me, beauty and health takes a backseat when food comes into the picture.
(9)Not being able to market myself: I cant laugh loud or throw couple of swear words that every boy in the corridor would notice. I cant say things I did and emphasize on my contribution. I cant let others know what I can do. In simple terms, I cant market myself.
The list seems endless and it does send me to a state of utmost depression. It imbibes a feeling of inferiority and makes me seem insignificant. But, do I do anything about it apart from cribbing? That is another most important weakness.