Sunday, October 10, 2010

dysfunctional

Off lately, there have been instances when I have been vexed up just because of ego problems. Not ready to accept what the other person says. In the course of such actions and in spite of it being my entire fault, I have never blamed myself for that. Why? Because I have listened enough to others that my life has been led by other people’s advises and suggestions. Now, when I seem mature enough to make own decisions, people ask questions and are able to find problems.

I was never sure if I did want to do biology in my twelfth standard or hold a yet another engineering degree till end of my life. I am still not sure. Those were days when decisions were made for me. I have no regrets; I never have regrets with things I have done but to think of the fact that I could have done something else and been someone else makes me wonder. Everything I have done so far in my life has had significance and I have done quite well. When I look at the profile that has been prepared now, I think I have quite justified with whatever opportunities that have crashed down the door. Still, in one corner of the heart, an annoying call of guilty retains.

Should I have done things I really wanted to do? I remember telling my neighbour that I would become a ‘forensic detective’ someday. It was triggered plainly by some Enid Blyton books which I used to adore and follow religiously. I still smile at that remark made. But, I haven’t changed since then. I still would love to be a forensic detective because I still love those books. Do childish ambitions like this ever come true? 24 of years of living, I still can’t answer that.
I have often seen parents imposing their ambitions on their children. The most surprising part is that they are eventually achieved. It is because parents go to any extent of sacrifices to get the best out of their progeny. In this vivacious cycle of desires, do the children fail to know what they want? Have I forgotten what I wanted?

20 years down the lane, will I be doing the same? I have told myself that I would teach my children dance and a music instrument. Have I forgotten the golden rule of respecting a child’s wishes? But my child wouldn’t what he/she wants. Was it same with my parents? Didn’t I know what I wanted? Questions have been unglorified and in the end it has been what others have wanted. They have what they wanted. Here is a girl of their wishes and will carry the torch of family forward.
I wonder what I am filled with. Guilt? Annoyance? Ignorance? Ambitions? All I want to do right now is run away from the world and make time to introspect.